NO SEX PLEASE, WE’RE BRITISH
By Anthony Marriott and Alistair Foot
Directed by Jay Newman
Presented LIVE, IN-PERSON at the Pumphouse Theatre October 8 – 16, 2021
A young bride who lives above a bank with her husband who is the assistant manager, innocently sends a mail order off for some Scandinavian glassware. What comes is Scandinavian pornography. The plot revolves around what is to be done with the veritable floods of pornography, photographs, books, films, and eventually girls that threaten to engulf this happy couple. The matter is considerably complicated by the man’s mother, his boss, a visiting bank inspector, a police superintendent, and a muddled friend who does everything wrong in his reluctant efforts to set everything right, all of which works up to a hilarious ending of closed or slamming doors.
Peter Hunter (male, Ideally a younger man 20s to early 30s) Bank Manager. Peter is the lead character around which the whole story hangs. He needs to be energetic and have good stamina as he is on stage for virtually the entire play.
Frances Hunter (female, Ideally a younger woman 20s to early 30s) Peter’s Newlywed Wife. Similarly energetic. The actress should be comfortable to appear in limited clothing onstage.
Brian Runnicles (male, Ideally 20s to mid-40s) Chief Cashier at the bank. Socially Awkward character, but a large amount of comedic work to do on stage. Preferably agile.
Eleanor Hunter (female, playing character mid 50’s upwards) Peter’s Mother.She is an elegant and snobby character.
Leslie Bromhead (male, Ideally, in his 40’s upwards) Peter’s Boss. Appears at first to be an ogre, but we see him mellow a lot. He thinks himself a ladies man.
Superintendent Paul (male) Local Police, medium size part. This character is the stereotypical police officer character. Age is not important, but great character acting is!
Mr. Needham (male) Bank Inspector, medium size part. This character arrives in act 2 only. He appears standoffish at first, but he later gets into all sorts of fun. Actor needs to be comfortable appearing in limited clothing onstage, and have the 2 ladies all over him at certain points. Age unimportant
Susan (female) “Customer Service Agent”. She can be played by a woman of any age who is comfortable to appear in limited clothing onstage. (Act 2 only)
Barbara (female) “Customer Service Agent”. She does not speak, but must create lots of comedy with her body language and her actions on stage. Must be comfortable to appear in limited clothing onstage. (Act 2 only)
Delivery person (any gender or age) Small part with limited lines. Can be played by any man or woman. Comes on at various points in the play.
Morpheus Theatre encourages individuals of all genders, ethnicities, and abilities to audition. All performers should be at least 18 years old. Not a traditional actor? That is okay, get in touch with us and we will find a way for you to showcase what you have to offer.
Note on Accents:
- Accents are optional, and should only be attempted if they can be done well and consistently.
- Auditioners are asked to prepare a Self-Tape audition with a short comedic monologue to highlight your abilities (no more than 2 minutes).
- Auditioners are also asked to complete an audition form, with an acting resume and headshot.
- Selected auditioners will be requested to attend an in-person callback to read with other performers on Monday July 26th from 7 to 10pm.
Rehearsal and Performance Requirements:
- The read-through will take place online on Tuesday August 10th (7pm)
- In-person rehearsals will begin Sunday August 15th at the Morpheus Rehearsal Centre in Parkdale.
- Rehearsals will take place Tuesday and Thursday evenings (7pm to 10pm) and Sundays.
- Sunday rehearsal in August will take place in the evening (6pm to 9pm), giving performers more time to enjoy the weekend. Sunday rehearsals in September will take place in the afternoon (1pm to 5pm).
- Performances will take place indoors – live and in-person – at the Pumphouse Theatres.